You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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