I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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