you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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