What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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