Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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