were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
im six kinds of drunk right now
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
