Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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