i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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