apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
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There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
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He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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