My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
