I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I touched a dick in church today
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
