i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
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Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
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Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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