honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
