I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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