I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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