I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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