I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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