I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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