Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
