Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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