Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
