I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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