Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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