When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
