Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
