Can i not drive my cunt home
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
nutella sex= disaster
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
