youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
3pm strippers are depressing
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
