he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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