im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
