I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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