She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
