My nipple is on Facebook.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize