Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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