the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
