Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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