i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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