I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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