I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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