You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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