I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
