I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
