ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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