I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
