I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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