my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
