Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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