So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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