Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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