so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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