around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
