You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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