just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
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I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
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Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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