i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
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