Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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