I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
